Antithesis II: The next day

Yesterday's ridiculously long vent of reflection ( see: Antithesis) was cathartic to say the least. Then again, is that not what writing is meant to do in these type of fucked up situations where you beat up your inner child for shitting all over your adult life? <<sigh>>

I actually mustered up the balls to send it to him in an email. Subtle right? Nah, not really ... because I then sent him a text to make sure he knows I sent an email so I can be sure he will check his email. Subtle isn't one of my strong qualities. <<shrug>>

Why did I sent it to him?

Ironically .... he called to ask the same thing ... but he didn't really want to hear my answer. Or maybe my answer just meant fuck-all to him, so ... well ... here's why:

ONE:

In spite of his stubbornness and propensity to make wrong choices on purpose just so he can sing Frank Sinatra's tune, " I did it my way!" ... he is actually a very logical man; however, be careful not to confuse that with being rational. To be rational one must be open to and willing to accept other perspectives in order to achieve comprehension that is outside of their own views and beliefs. One who is NOT rational will only make logical decisions based on their own views or beliefs ... not giving a fuck if those views and beliefs are compromised by trauma, anxiety, fear, doubt, paranoia, illness, a hangover, and so on. So ...I wanted him to read yesterday's banter of cathartic chaos in order to advance his rational thinking and help his logical side reflect on who I am, our relationship, and his decision to break promises to end our life together. I wanted him to see that I had genuinely thought about the bigger picture and that we could move forward now with more clarity and understanding.

TWO:

I wanted to share with him my own personal reflection and accountability for what had taken place. I'm an adult, I don't wear a halo, and I have my big girl panties on so there's no point sticking my finger in his face when I, too, have a mirror to look into.

SIDE NOTE: As I mentioned in yesterday's vent, I had noticed thing were different with him for a few weeks leading up to this explosion. He was less affectionate, less attentive to the things he usually took great care for ... I tried not to take it personally .... BUT .... how does one go from, "I love you, you are my world, we are forever!" to "Fuck you! Get out. It doesn't come natural anymore. We are done!" .... in one afternoon? Maybe all the signs were there and I should have taken things more personally after all ... perhaps his shut down had included me for the last several weeks, but my dumb-ass-optimistic-I-can-fix-you self was not paying attention. <<face palm>>

THREE:

He is reflective. He use to read our old texts, scroll through our pictures, and use these prompts to stir better thoughts and understanding into his mixture of processing decisions. So, if ever he wanted to rid his ideas of the bullshit he thinks I feel, want, or conclude ... well, he can read my words for himself and the truth of who I am and what I believe has been committed to print. He might just see that we honestly do still want and feel the same things together ... well, if it wasn't for his current infatuation and fixation on being alone now.

So what happened when he called?

He changed from Frank Sinatra to Princess Elsa to let me know, "let it go!" There was no tenderness in his tone. It was the same tone I had heard him use when ordering a pizza. It was as if I had become a stranger.

He was not interested in reading my shit, he was not interested in hearing me talk about working things out, and he was certainly not wanting to entertain any type of conversation about the future we had planned. He coldly and boldly took responsibility for breaking his promises. He reiterated that he wants to be alone. He does not 'just need time and space', he wants me 100% out of his life so he can be on his own. It was like he was canceling a magazine subscription. I tried to talk to him but he abruptly told me his dinner was ready and he had to go ... "bye!"

<< deep breath >>

I starred at my phone for a second. Maybe longer.

There was no I'll text you later.

No I'll keep in touch.

No I'll call you in a few days.

Nothing. Just silence.

I sent him one last text.

"You have my email."

Then I deleted him from my phone, as well as the app we have used to call and message each other for the past few years. Gone. Deleted. Just like he did to me and his promises.

I can't stare at the icon on my phone hoping it'll pop up with a little red notification circle.

I can't hear the phantom chime of his ring tone and think just maybe ...

I can't read through our old messages and see love-hearts and kisses replaced with coldness.

I just can't.

So now what?

Nothing.

I mean ... I have ideas ... thoughts ... questions ... but nothing that can be answered or done right now. I wish I had the same default, cold streak switch in me as he has in him for me. In the past I would stay in his corner. I would call, text, and fight him for him, but I can't this time. Not because I don't love him, but because I need to love me.

I don't know what future holds anymore.

He's quite a complex guy with simple needs and an unpredictable pattern of behaviors and actions.

Will he disappear and never resurface again?

Maybe.

Will he meet someone else and give her the love I taught him to have?

Maybe.

Will he turn around in a few days, weeks, or months and think, "FUCK! What have I done!?"

Maybe.

Will he send an email and want to talk?

Maybe.

Will he apologize and once again value me, love me, and heal the broken parts he has caused me?

Maybe.

Will I just run back to him at a drop of a dime, sobbing with open arms and forgiveness, hand him all the shredded pieces of my heart and trust to fix and buy a new dress for our reunion date?

Fuck no.